One Car, Two Car, Red Car, Blue Car…. pfffffttttttpppppttttt! If you grew up in a family anything like my own, you are more likely to find sasquatch in your garage, than you are to find a car. In fact, for all the other things that the garage now holds, it may actually prove a pretty good hiding spot for ol’ sasquatch. It starts out as a great space for storage to keep the house tidier, and then slowly over time turns into the worlds biggest junk drawer, housing: garbage, outdoor tools, lawnmowers, the treadmill you swore will help you achieve that New Years resolution 4 years ago, golf clubs, brooms and mops, that elusive 9/16 socket, mud boots, old science projects, 3 big wheels, 4 bicycles, stockpiles of toilet paper (looking at you Covid), a fully functional dark room (that one is specific to one of my childhood garages), and probably everything you know you have, but cannot find. Oh and the fury that comes with navigating the disaster. It requires a treasure map, a compass, and an eagle scout proficiency in orienteering. You reach the summit of your very own cardboard and lawn tool Everest, just to come crashing back down to the base camp under an avalanche of rubbish. Ever determined to complete the task at hand, you set forth again! There is a hand held dust buster at the top of this insurmountable climb that will perfectly solve the problem you could have finished 20 minutes ago with a broom and dust pan, but then you would suffer a new defeat, admitting that was a stupid impulse buy. You are now going to spend 45 minutes to complete a 45 second task while risking broken limbs, blown ACL’s, and deep contusions of the pride. There has got to be an easier way.

It’s as simple as doing it, which admittedly is the hardest part… CLEAN YOUR GARAGE.

I recommend starting by moving the cars, that are staring longingly into a garage they wish to call their own, from the driveway and into the street. Tell Karen with the HOA to put down her binoculars, you will be as expedient as possible. Maybe send her some cookies or something. Now, open that garage door and give it the heimlich. It’s choking and you need to do something fast. Create three designated areas in the garage. One for stuff you must keep, another for things you must throw away, and a final area for things you can donate or recycle. I recommend in a line from the garage to curb placing the keepers the closest, they are going to be brought right back into the garage. Put the recyclable donation pile next, some of that may go back in, but in order to avoid this experience again, I’d say getting it anywhere else quickly is the best approach. Then, get yourself a junk removal bag from your local hardware store and place it at the curb. These 3 cubic yard little wonders will only cost you about $30, and you can seriously stuff a lot of stuff in there. Locally, we have the Dumpster Depot Big Ass Bag! No large unsightly dumpster, those really piss Karen off, and a fraction of the price. Dumpster Depot also offers a junk removal service for some of those awkward things that don’t fit in the bag or a can, but also don’t warrant their own dumpster. Just give them a ring and they can haul off those old pieces of furniture, appliances, or whatever odd ball things may be in the way.

Now that we have cleared the blockage, get in there and clean. I hope that dust buster didn’t end up on the bottom of your keeper pile, because this would be a great time to justify its existence, though, a leaf blower will probably yield greater results. Scrub those walls, hang some peg board, or those nifty little hook things your wife bought you, but you didn’t install them yet because you couldn’t find your stud finder and drill. Spoiler alert, both should be in the keeper pile behind you in the driveway.

It is best to start with the keepers. You may find yourself making some last minute cuts and there is no need for a 4th or 5th pile to send your mind in an existential crisis of option paralysis. Tell Varsity that they are on the team and welcome them into their new locker room, one that is only deserving of winners. Call your Wife, girlfriend, Mom, Dad, Karen, and have a celebratory gaze at all the room you have created for activities. Start planning all of the projects you have been putting off. Revel in pure merriment! For this moment of accomplishment and bliss may not last very long, but lucky for you, those big ass bags are only 30 dollars!